I don't even know why I try anymore..

The Monster: I thought it was love. And I was so happy to be in it. The way she spoke to me, the way she touched me. It must have all been for show, or maybe a change of heart.

We met online, she spoke to me, and for months we kept speaking. I started liking her. I started liking her a lot. Her birthday was coming up, she said she'd be alone. So I told her that no one should be alone for their birthday, and that I would come visit her. Seeing how I had no job at the time I pulled out some saving bonds I was gonna use to use when I needed money in my life. I went down to visit her, only for the day. We sat around and watched movies, she was really into cartoons. At some point we started kissing. I went home that evening the happiest I've been in a long time. The next day we where talking about.. us. And we decided that we both really like eachother and thus the beginning of another heartbreak.

How could I have been so stupid to fall inlove so soon, how could I have trusted someone so much that without knowing them.

I decided I wanted to see her again and soon, it was mutual. Her father gave her money for her birthday and she said she'll pay for the trip, I felt so honored that she would have spent money meant for herself on me, I never had that before. This time I was going to stay for the whole weekend. We made two cakes that we didn't even eat all of, but we did it because it was fun. Watched a movie called Rio, she was loved that movie, we even mimicked the handshake from it. I loved seeing her so happy. We made a fort using blankets and chairs in her living room. Things got got heavy, we got close to fucking, but I was worried about something and didn't let her. so we layed together, which quickly turned in to her having a panic attack. I was so worried the only thing I could do was hold her. She started to feel better. The rest of the end went smoothly. We ended up having sex. A lot. I loved her body. I loved how it felt, her skin, her hips. I loved how she moaned, how loud she was. But most of all I loved the cuddling right after. I got to meet her stuffed animal. She didn't want me to leave so soon, so I stayed longer and extend my ticket. More sex, more kissing, more.. her. We started saying "I love you". The words slipped out of my mouth, like it always does, and she asked me what, I was shy and said nothing. later on I told her I meant it. I loved her. She said it to me, not right after, but later the next day.

I was scared but I would have done what ever was needed to keep her in my life. With her I felt anything was possible. Now I'm confused, where did this go wrong.

I came to visit again, using half of my birthday money to get down there and about half of what was left to send her a late birthday gift, a comic book for her collection. I didn't really know what else to get her, besides something she already had something of. She paid for the way back. I'm not a fan of fish in fact the smell of it alone makes me wanna puke, but she made some and I ate it. Maybe it was all the extra dopamine, norepinephrine, vasopressin, serotonin, and oxytocin running through my system, or she cooked it in a way I could somewhat eat (or both). One evening she was crying (romantic-over emotional, not bad reasonings), she didn't want me to leave, she loved me. It made me so happy to hear someone crying over me, someone caring for me so much, and wanting me to know that. I loved her even more, I felt like she was my everything.

I went home, she started getting sick, I got worried. Eventually it seemed like she was pregnant. I would have, and was ready to drop all of my nothing and move down there to find a job and work and take care of her and the child on the way. She took some test. 1- positive, 2- positive, 3- negitive. The idea of a child was still not out of the question, she whent to see a doctor and they said she had a problem (I wont say what it is).

About a week after that she started getting a bit quiet. I figured since school started she was just busy with school stuff. Then one day she mentioned to me that her profile was hacked and she had to delete it. I thought it was weird but I just went along with her, thinking she was telling the truth. She made a new profile and also deleted her blog because she said people where making fun of her self piercing photos, shower me a link, idk why, but she pretty much proved it. about 4days into her having a new profile I was searching in the friend bar and her old profile showed up, when I clicked it, it said it didn't exist so I told her that I thought some one tried to reactivated it. sure enough the next day I found out the name was changed on the profile (you know, so when I type in her name it wont show up). All of my friends who where once friends with her where block as well. So I freaked out a bit. I didn't call her anything, or said anything crewel besides ask her why, and tell her how hurt I felt, For once I wasn't angry, I wasn't trying to hurt her, I was trying to find out what I did wrong, how I messed up somehow, and that she lied to me. Well she talked with me for a few minutes, I calmed down, she explained to me how she was going to fix it and that it wasn't her but she thought she knew who it was. So I believed her, blinded by love, I believed her. During that time we where discussing it I was also discussing how hurt and confused I was and how none of this made sense and told my friend about what was going on with us. My friend told me "Your digging your own grave" when I said I was going to try to stay with her.

Shortly after that day she began to get even more quiet. I stared to get scared. Usually, like all relationships I have the quiet moments are the worst, when they wont speak or seem to give the shortest response possible, when they always seem busy, when they start telling they love once in the evening. I sent her gifts (some kind of stuffed animal, a cd, and a knife) and we had some small talk about seeing eachother. She said she wouldn't be able to because she had Saturday school. one of the gifts I sent er (the stuffed animal) came in the mail and she seemed really happy and we started talking a lot and it was a really good talk. Later on that day she talked to me, we were talking about seeing each other and she asked me if train tickets had tax, I said "nope " and she replied "Oh ok. Just wanna know so I can save up to see you." I was so happy with her finally talking to me this didn't seem weird at all. She started sending me links of pics from the same site she blogged on, I believed her (for the moment), she said she found them but when using typical searches for pictures online you're usually not getting some from this site, So I had to look. I found the picture on the site and looked down the list of people who liked it or shared it. My intent only to prove that I could trust her, If I was to find nothing I'd feel too bad not to let her know I searched. But I found it. and sure enough on that blog was a picture of her holding the knife in her hand "I got this in the mail today. I honestly don’t know who got it for me but I love them. Even though somehow they know where I live." .. Well it was suppose to be the surprise gift I sent.. I was thinking when she saw it she knew it was from me, but obviously I wasn't at the top of her mind. So I told her I found it. I got really upset, she wasn't online or awake yet, in the morning she made me feel like I did the worst thing ever. She said that all she wanted was a place for some privacy. So I apologized all day. she came home and said a few things to me and then after 5:40 she was completely offline, so I was using my email to text her. no reply untill 11pm when she said she lost her phone and had to charge it, after that nothing. no goodnight. nothing. I text her on last time before I went to sleep and asked her to text me when she gets up. She had Saturday school so She would have been able to do it in the morning on the bus. No reply until 11am "I just woke up". I asked her why isn't she at school and no reply. I figured she was mad at me. Then I asked her mom on facebook...

"Did monster go to school today?" (of course I said her real name not monster to her mother). Her mom simply replied "Today is Saturday" I dont know about you but that tells me there was no Saturday school. I then asked her mom "Is she home?" and her mom didn't reply. To me that meant one thing, the train tickets. She left the house to catch the train to be with someone else. Probably told her mom she was coming to see me. I sent her a text that said I knew she didn't have Saturday school, she replied "can I just have some time tom myself" and I told her to take all the time she needed. After that I had to find something (the suspicious of there being someone else), and I did, on one of her profiles she has a friend, who on his profile say "In a Complicated Relationship With: Monster" (again, I'm using her nickname and not her or her profile's name). And he lives within a distance where it wouldn't cost too much to visit. So I told her his name, where he lives, and that I was pretty sure that's where she is. I was hurt. As many sighs as I got, I just ignored them. I was so blinded by love.



My last text to her: "Can you at least answer me this.. what did I do wrong for you to end things like this?"