Diary Of A Rivithead: Gone, Still.

 So my foot finally healed. And every thing seemed to be going smoothly. On and off through July and August I was doing a lot of visiting with friends and family along with minimal job searching  (when I had the time to look).  Near the end of July I had an ingrown toenail. I dug it out, but was had so much things to do I just kinda said fuck it and left it to it's own. To make a long story short the shit got infected and now, again, I'm laid up for a while. It seems like the only way I'd be able to find a job is to isolate my self from everyone. The problem with that is I'm left with no way to ignore my depression, and because of summer my depression is already effecting me. The worst thing is, it hasn't gotten too bad, it just seems to continue at the same rate. I think its starting to get worse though. Suicide seems to be a thought that always haunts me, But recently I was thinking about it again in the same way I use to. Now, I didn't act on these's thoughts, I usually don't, but I know if it wasn't for where my life is now, I probably would have done it. I know it might seem strange but I want every one to be safe, everything to be taken care of, no loose ends when I die.

 I always try to convince my self not to do harm to myself. I think of everyone I care about, family, friends, cat, girlfriend. I realized I don't really have a way to release this tension from the depression. I remember cutting, taking pills, drugs, hitting.. I'm afraid of doing it now, I'm afraid I'll go too far and leave everyone to clean up after the mess of a life I'm living. But there has to be some other way to get threw this. I think my depression is worse now then in use to be when I did harm. I feel more trapped, stressed, and overall unhappy with everything. I can't seem to make clear choices any more. Every time I do something I have to think of multiple scenarios to where there's almost no point in doing it in the first place. I've become scared, when nothing use to scare me. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I don't know what I'm good at. I just wish I could get pushed in the right direction.

I need to start my life and stop living in a fantasy that I don't even believe exists. I know if I could get one opportunity for employment it could probably change everything, but then again I'd probably just get fucked out of it like when I was in school.

I'm so tired of having everything start going forward in life and then I get pushed back to the beginning. Even with my monster I have times where I just cant seem to be happy. I'll never let her know that, because its not her fault (is she reads this, I hope she keeps that in mind). I want one day where I can forget about being sad.

(so the title of this, yes, its a nin song. I just happened to be listening to Still, when writing this, and I couldn't think of a title)