The Diary Of A RivitHead: An Early memory.

I woke up in a hospital. I didn't know it was a hospital at first, it was just a clean room and I was in a funny feeling dress (the medical rode things). I remember seeing a doctor, and I think it asked me something about eating because the next thing I remember is a burger, or maybe it was a sandwich. Still everything was bright and weird feeling. I remembered seeing my Step-Mother, Father, Big Sister, and I think My Little Brotha (Idk if he was, my mind could have just put him there because I remember him being there my whole life). I remember they where all holding hands and wearing mask. I think they where crying, or some one was because it felt sad in the room. And everything seemed bright again.

I don't know why I was in the hospital, I don't know if it was just a dream or not. I don't know why everything was so bright and mashed together. But what I know it have been. I think it was a memory from when I was hospitalized for having an Asthma attack, I think I was 2. Maybe its why its hard to remember.

The Diary Of A RivitHead: Whats good?

 I haven't been posting much lately and I apologize for that. I've been going through the motions of my depression, it's been pretty bad for me lately, making me lazy and sick. If I was to post something it'd probably be poorly written and very scrambled. My plans on changing my life is still undergoing it's planing process. I will no longer be living in Seattle, I should be moving to Alaska in January. Hopefully there I can clear my head, find some work, and possibly be happy for once.

Things that have been worrying me:
- I have a dying uncle, he still has a few years left but that's only if he try's to keep himself healthy.
- I think my mother might back out on me and I wont be able to go to Alaska
- I cant take my cat with me until I find work in Alaska and can afford all the medical paperwork required for a cat to take a plane. I know my roommates would look after him but he's my cat and I hate being away from him.
- My Dad, I seriously don't understand whats going on with him. He's starting a new family and between that and his work it seems impossible to get a hold of him. But I am kinda glad he's happy, I guess.
- The idea of moving to Alaska is a bit scary, I don't know how I'd react to living there, I'm pretty sure everything will be different. I don't know if I'd be any more successful finding a job there then I am up here.
- My grandparents aren't getting along, it's really weird to see.
- I fear my aunt might be on the verge of a psychotic break down, with all the stress and sadness in her life, I don't know how she manages to smile.
- My over all health, I feel like there's something wrong and I cant do anything about it, I'm pretty sure its something bad though.
Mix all that up with my normal everyday depression, turns everything small into a big wad of stress.

But I feel as if I have better control over my emotions lately, there's been a few times where I'd say differently but for the most part I've been pretty level, maybe a bit dulled to my norm.

As for love or relationships, I've done nothing. I don't see the point in it anymore, at least not now. With the possibility of me moving theres no reason to. I don't really talk to people well, in person, so its hard to meet anyone. I'm pretty sure Alaska would be lonely.

When I arrive in Alaska I'll try to be more active on this blog, and I'll try finding something worth talking about, something less depressing. I cant guarantee how active I'll be from now until then, maybe even longer. I don't know what it'd be like up there. Maybe people will start reading this.

The Diary Of A RivitHead: A New Life.

I've gotta learn to trust myself and act on my impulses. I don't look at myself as being a very knowledgeable person and yet when I think something, I should trust that thought and not let it get skewed by the lies of others. I've got to get away from who I am and where I am. I've got to become something else.

I've got to learn to love myself before I am ever capable of being in a relationship. I got to start over new, I've got become.. new.

I don't even know why I try anymore..

The Monster: I thought it was love. And I was so happy to be in it. The way she spoke to me, the way she touched me. It must have all been for show, or maybe a change of heart.

We met online, she spoke to me, and for months we kept speaking. I started liking her. I started liking her a lot. Her birthday was coming up, she said she'd be alone. So I told her that no one should be alone for their birthday, and that I would come visit her. Seeing how I had no job at the time I pulled out some saving bonds I was gonna use to use when I needed money in my life. I went down to visit her, only for the day. We sat around and watched movies, she was really into cartoons. At some point we started kissing. I went home that evening the happiest I've been in a long time. The next day we where talking about.. us. And we decided that we both really like eachother and thus the beginning of another heartbreak.

How could I have been so stupid to fall inlove so soon, how could I have trusted someone so much that without knowing them.

I decided I wanted to see her again and soon, it was mutual. Her father gave her money for her birthday and she said she'll pay for the trip, I felt so honored that she would have spent money meant for herself on me, I never had that before. This time I was going to stay for the whole weekend. We made two cakes that we didn't even eat all of, but we did it because it was fun. Watched a movie called Rio, she was loved that movie, we even mimicked the handshake from it. I loved seeing her so happy. We made a fort using blankets and chairs in her living room. Things got got heavy, we got close to fucking, but I was worried about something and didn't let her. so we layed together, which quickly turned in to her having a panic attack. I was so worried the only thing I could do was hold her. She started to feel better. The rest of the end went smoothly. We ended up having sex. A lot. I loved her body. I loved how it felt, her skin, her hips. I loved how she moaned, how loud she was. But most of all I loved the cuddling right after. I got to meet her stuffed animal. She didn't want me to leave so soon, so I stayed longer and extend my ticket. More sex, more kissing, more.. her. We started saying "I love you". The words slipped out of my mouth, like it always does, and she asked me what, I was shy and said nothing. later on I told her I meant it. I loved her. She said it to me, not right after, but later the next day.

I was scared but I would have done what ever was needed to keep her in my life. With her I felt anything was possible. Now I'm confused, where did this go wrong.

I came to visit again, using half of my birthday money to get down there and about half of what was left to send her a late birthday gift, a comic book for her collection. I didn't really know what else to get her, besides something she already had something of. She paid for the way back. I'm not a fan of fish in fact the smell of it alone makes me wanna puke, but she made some and I ate it. Maybe it was all the extra dopamine, norepinephrine, vasopressin, serotonin, and oxytocin running through my system, or she cooked it in a way I could somewhat eat (or both). One evening she was crying (romantic-over emotional, not bad reasonings), she didn't want me to leave, she loved me. It made me so happy to hear someone crying over me, someone caring for me so much, and wanting me to know that. I loved her even more, I felt like she was my everything.

I went home, she started getting sick, I got worried. Eventually it seemed like she was pregnant. I would have, and was ready to drop all of my nothing and move down there to find a job and work and take care of her and the child on the way. She took some test. 1- positive, 2- positive, 3- negitive. The idea of a child was still not out of the question, she whent to see a doctor and they said she had a problem (I wont say what it is).

About a week after that she started getting a bit quiet. I figured since school started she was just busy with school stuff. Then one day she mentioned to me that her profile was hacked and she had to delete it. I thought it was weird but I just went along with her, thinking she was telling the truth. She made a new profile and also deleted her blog because she said people where making fun of her self piercing photos, shower me a link, idk why, but she pretty much proved it. about 4days into her having a new profile I was searching in the friend bar and her old profile showed up, when I clicked it, it said it didn't exist so I told her that I thought some one tried to reactivated it. sure enough the next day I found out the name was changed on the profile (you know, so when I type in her name it wont show up). All of my friends who where once friends with her where block as well. So I freaked out a bit. I didn't call her anything, or said anything crewel besides ask her why, and tell her how hurt I felt, For once I wasn't angry, I wasn't trying to hurt her, I was trying to find out what I did wrong, how I messed up somehow, and that she lied to me. Well she talked with me for a few minutes, I calmed down, she explained to me how she was going to fix it and that it wasn't her but she thought she knew who it was. So I believed her, blinded by love, I believed her. During that time we where discussing it I was also discussing how hurt and confused I was and how none of this made sense and told my friend about what was going on with us. My friend told me "Your digging your own grave" when I said I was going to try to stay with her.

Shortly after that day she began to get even more quiet. I stared to get scared. Usually, like all relationships I have the quiet moments are the worst, when they wont speak or seem to give the shortest response possible, when they always seem busy, when they start telling they love once in the evening. I sent her gifts (some kind of stuffed animal, a cd, and a knife) and we had some small talk about seeing eachother. She said she wouldn't be able to because she had Saturday school. one of the gifts I sent er (the stuffed animal) came in the mail and she seemed really happy and we started talking a lot and it was a really good talk. Later on that day she talked to me, we were talking about seeing each other and she asked me if train tickets had tax, I said "nope " and she replied "Oh ok. Just wanna know so I can save up to see you." I was so happy with her finally talking to me this didn't seem weird at all. She started sending me links of pics from the same site she blogged on, I believed her (for the moment), she said she found them but when using typical searches for pictures online you're usually not getting some from this site, So I had to look. I found the picture on the site and looked down the list of people who liked it or shared it. My intent only to prove that I could trust her, If I was to find nothing I'd feel too bad not to let her know I searched. But I found it. and sure enough on that blog was a picture of her holding the knife in her hand "I got this in the mail today. I honestly don’t know who got it for me but I love them. Even though somehow they know where I live." .. Well it was suppose to be the surprise gift I sent.. I was thinking when she saw it she knew it was from me, but obviously I wasn't at the top of her mind. So I told her I found it. I got really upset, she wasn't online or awake yet, in the morning she made me feel like I did the worst thing ever. She said that all she wanted was a place for some privacy. So I apologized all day. she came home and said a few things to me and then after 5:40 she was completely offline, so I was using my email to text her. no reply untill 11pm when she said she lost her phone and had to charge it, after that nothing. no goodnight. nothing. I text her on last time before I went to sleep and asked her to text me when she gets up. She had Saturday school so She would have been able to do it in the morning on the bus. No reply until 11am "I just woke up". I asked her why isn't she at school and no reply. I figured she was mad at me. Then I asked her mom on facebook...

"Did monster go to school today?" (of course I said her real name not monster to her mother). Her mom simply replied "Today is Saturday" I dont know about you but that tells me there was no Saturday school. I then asked her mom "Is she home?" and her mom didn't reply. To me that meant one thing, the train tickets. She left the house to catch the train to be with someone else. Probably told her mom she was coming to see me. I sent her a text that said I knew she didn't have Saturday school, she replied "can I just have some time tom myself" and I told her to take all the time she needed. After that I had to find something (the suspicious of there being someone else), and I did, on one of her profiles she has a friend, who on his profile say "In a Complicated Relationship With: Monster" (again, I'm using her nickname and not her or her profile's name). And he lives within a distance where it wouldn't cost too much to visit. So I told her his name, where he lives, and that I was pretty sure that's where she is. I was hurt. As many sighs as I got, I just ignored them. I was so blinded by love.



My last text to her: "Can you at least answer me this.. what did I do wrong for you to end things like this?"

The Diary Of A RivitHead: What the fuck.

Nothing seems to be working how it should. I feel so cluttered.  Want to get out of this place. I want to seclude myself from everyone and everything. I want to escape. I want to fucking break something. I feel violent. I feel.. unstable. I don't like this. I hate not being in control of myself. I hate things not working. I hate fucking everything right now. I'm trying to fight this depression and its just making everything worse. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take this shitty life any more. Where the fuck is that greatness everyone said they saw in me when I was younger? where the fuck is motivation? where is peace? I feel like I'm finally hitting the point in life where I might need to be fucking hospitalized. I keep getting these moments of time where I don't feel.. right. Like I'm close enough to the edge of sanity that all I have to do is take a step off the fucking edge to lose myself.

You know that moment right before you cry, that strange pressure, like the whole world is going to come to and end. I've felt like like that every fucking day for the past week and now its just making me angry. I feel shaky, I cant sleep, everything is so fucking irritating. I can't focus on anything for to long and I space out way to much. Last night, I started to get paranoid about so many things. I'm trying so hard not to break everything around me. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know a way to fix it. But its something I told myself I'd never do it again..

Diary Of A Rivithead: Gone, Still.

 So my foot finally healed. And every thing seemed to be going smoothly. On and off through July and August I was doing a lot of visiting with friends and family along with minimal job searching  (when I had the time to look).  Near the end of July I had an ingrown toenail. I dug it out, but was had so much things to do I just kinda said fuck it and left it to it's own. To make a long story short the shit got infected and now, again, I'm laid up for a while. It seems like the only way I'd be able to find a job is to isolate my self from everyone. The problem with that is I'm left with no way to ignore my depression, and because of summer my depression is already effecting me. The worst thing is, it hasn't gotten too bad, it just seems to continue at the same rate. I think its starting to get worse though. Suicide seems to be a thought that always haunts me, But recently I was thinking about it again in the same way I use to. Now, I didn't act on these's thoughts, I usually don't, but I know if it wasn't for where my life is now, I probably would have done it. I know it might seem strange but I want every one to be safe, everything to be taken care of, no loose ends when I die.

 I always try to convince my self not to do harm to myself. I think of everyone I care about, family, friends, cat, girlfriend. I realized I don't really have a way to release this tension from the depression. I remember cutting, taking pills, drugs, hitting.. I'm afraid of doing it now, I'm afraid I'll go too far and leave everyone to clean up after the mess of a life I'm living. But there has to be some other way to get threw this. I think my depression is worse now then in use to be when I did harm. I feel more trapped, stressed, and overall unhappy with everything. I can't seem to make clear choices any more. Every time I do something I have to think of multiple scenarios to where there's almost no point in doing it in the first place. I've become scared, when nothing use to scare me. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I don't know what I'm good at. I just wish I could get pushed in the right direction.

I need to start my life and stop living in a fantasy that I don't even believe exists. I know if I could get one opportunity for employment it could probably change everything, but then again I'd probably just get fucked out of it like when I was in school.

I'm so tired of having everything start going forward in life and then I get pushed back to the beginning. Even with my monster I have times where I just cant seem to be happy. I'll never let her know that, because its not her fault (is she reads this, I hope she keeps that in mind). I want one day where I can forget about being sad.

(so the title of this, yes, its a nin song. I just happened to be listening to Still, when writing this, and I couldn't think of a title)

Diary Of A RivitHead: The Monster

 So I met someone. I met her online, which is usually not a great place to meet people (at least with my luck). But I went all the way to Kelso to meet her and she is fantastic! Just like most people I mention on here I wont really use her real name, for now I'll just call her Monster (she'd get it).  Now my hunt for a job just when up about [random inconceivable number] times more.  But I'm okay with that, I probably need the extra fire under my ass. So starting next week (after the forth), I will be on the hunt like I've never hunted before.

 Anyways back to Monster, <3.
She's flawless, a perfect beauty. She makes me smle and every day I swear I falling more and more inlove with her. It's been so long since I've felt so happy. Her smile, her kiss, her laughter, it's all bliss. I hope I can hold on to this one forever.

The Diary Of A RivitHead: Dissapoint

 I don't know why I write in this stupid blog. It's not like anyone reads it or gives me feed back, but why would they. Aside from the injuries my life is pretty boring. I feel like I'm just digging a big fucking pointless hole. I can't seem to focus on anything important in life aside from smoking pot and making shitty music, music that I ever so rarely play an instrument on (in fact I sample and loop my own fucking instrument parts because I cant play worth a shit). I find myself doubting I'll ever find a job, who would hire someone like me, I look like a fuck up, I must be. I can't speak to people I don't know with out saying something retarded or nothing at all. As much complements I get on being intelligent or smart I sure am a fucking idiot. I can't seem to be good at anything. I went to school for welding and what do I have to show for my hard work, completely forgetting how to weld (not from memoryloss, more like I haven't done it in well over a year and I wasn't good at it in the first place).

 I sleep on a used ikia chair that folds out into a bed. It's mattress has the grossest stains all over it from some one spilling something on it from way before I was ever using it, in fact I think its cleaner now. Two boards are broken on it from me slamming my knee in to it, one on each side (both happen to be located where my lower back would rest so I could never get comfortable on it). I have to deal with fleas because I just had to have my cat move in with me, I wouldn't even be able to eat if it wasn't for EBT, even then I can't use that to feed my cat. I'm too embarrassed with where I live and the place I am in life to ever wanna bring a girl over or even invite family. I am a loser. No job, no motivation, no (useful) education.

 Why the fuck am I still alive. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen but everytime it starts getting good, I fall even further then I was before. I can't keep going on like this, I can't. I hate asking people for money even if its something as small as busfair ($2.50, assuming I wont need cash for a bus back). I hate looking at myself and knowing I'm not healthy and I can't do shit about it because I cant afford to see a doctor. I want security, but I feel so damn insecure. I want to live, but I'm so fucking dead. It's like no mater what I do or how I do it, it will never be what this world needs. It will never be what I need. I get by, just enough to say I'm still around.

 So maybe if I cut my hair. Maybe if I wore some different cloths. Maybe if I didn't have so many scars to cover. Maybe if I didn't fall under trances of depression. Maybe if I could speak to new people without stuttering or slurring or saying the wrong fucking thing every fucking time. Maybe if I become some one other then me. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I would live a better life. Maybe I wouldn't be so ashamed to be me.

Diary Of A RivitHead: Summer.

I can feel it in my bones every time I breathe. A shallow nothing. As the sky stays bright, my days grow dimmer. My summer misery is starting to creep in sooner then it should be. Why must I suffer this loneliness when everyone else tends to smile. Its like I'm choking on air, like I'm spinning. I feel sadness and numbing at the same time. I feel anger with no motivation to unleash it. It hurts.

I'll still try to be me in front of others. I'll still try to smile no mater how unconvincing it is. I don't want people to know when I feel this bad. I'll suffer more when I'm alone, I know this. I've been here before. My attempts to rid myself of this piece of me, to free myself and be happy, and at times I thought I was cured. But given time the attempts where just tricks of the drugs. I've failed every time I tried to make myself happy. At times I think I've seen it at its worse, and I hope I don't see it again.

Diary Of A RivitHead: Somtimes you just gotta laugh...

My life seemed to be going in a positive direction once again. Small shimmers of hope seemed to fill my eyes, I felt lucky, I felt like everything was finally working itself out. I was out, hanging with my roommate (rabid) and his older brother, and we found a skateboard. I was so happy when we got it. To me (at the time) it represented a change, luck, something to do during my times of nothingness. I found a place that was having paid experimental depression drug testing (money is money). I found a place where I could get my cat fixed, microchipped, and vaccinated for free (after licensing) which would me I finally was able to have my cat move in with me. And to make things even better I reunited with an old friend from middle school, who I haven't seen in 6 years. Then everything went wrong...

I should have taken it as a sign or something when it turned out I was to late to get my cat in on the special deal, but decided to continue looking for some place else I could get him fixed for cheap, my dad said he'll pay for it (it was my sister who payed, my dad drove me). When I got to the clinic with my Nails (Nails is the name of my cat) then even offered him a free flea bath. Later on that day when I took him home he was so restless, it didn't help that he was high and in a place he's never been before so he started feaking out. it took me a few hours to calm him down, I even put him back in the kennel but he somehow busted the door off, eventually he calmed down. I lefted my room and came back maybe 30 - 40mins later and couldn't find him so I freaked out and I eventually found him on my selves behind my cloths. I had to give him medicine for the next week, which I hated doing, sneaking it in his food or forcing it in his mouth, I just hate the feeling of drugging my cat.

The next day (after I brought home Nails) I wanted to skate so I did just that, only while I was coasting down hill my board started to wobble and my foot rolled on the board and I fell. The first thing I did take off my boot (which I shouldn't have been wearing in the first place) and tried to wiggle my toes, they moved so I though I was in the clear, my foot still hurt a lot but I was able to walk on it so I walked for a block and rested at my roommates work. The foot swelled up and I wasn't able to walk on it so I called my other roommate to bring me down something to help me walk up the hill (all we had was a walker), a 5 or 7 blocks doesn't seem bad but the hill gets pretty steep as you get further up it, and I was pretty much hopping all the way up it. So I figured it was a sprain. After a week on not walking on it and properly taking care of it, I thought I'd be able to walk on it, wrong. I fell back on the couch. I had a sudden idea and found out my big toe was moving the rest of my toes, all my other toes weren't. I went to a clinic, they sent me to a hospital to take my xrays, the man who took them said my doctor should have it in a day. I called the clinic and they wont be able too look at it for 2 weeks.

So.. I can't give my cat proper attention seeing that I have to pretty but crawl everywhere, can't find a job that would hire someone with a broken foot, cant make it up a steep hill in downtown Seattle for the testing. Again... I am in a fucked up situation.

I don't I could take this, my life fucking me over every chance it gets. Giving me hope then taking it away, leaving me even more fucked up. I wish I could just make everything go away.

Diary Of A RivitHead: Oh, Life...

Oh the sweet bitter joys of watching myself fall into spiral. Meeting the same people with new faces, being in unfamiliar places but recognizing the areas which are duplicates of my past. I feel as though I'm stuck in purgatory and for some reason I remain tainted. I can no longer be sure of my emotions, I could feel happy but I can't seem to smile, I can feel sad and find it more appealing then being happy. I feel bored and alone even though I'm surrounded by people daily. I need something new in my life, something unexpected, something exciting, I want to run away. But why should I? I'd miss my friends, feel guilty, probably kill myself because how horrible I would feel for betraying everyone who's taken care of me and cared for me. My quest of freedom will always haunt me as a goal I could never reach. Once in my life I feel like I should stick around for awhile longer. I know it would lead to disappointment. I know I'll lose some friends and possibly some family, and I know I'll probably find myself in even worse of a position. But watching my life in this circle, as it falls like a spiral, as it repeats, I try to change what it is, give it form, make it structured, but instead I've only seem to somehow lose a few things that made it whole in the first place. I feel less then what I was, twice as empty, and I'm starting not to give a fuck.

... I could have killed my self before, now I just like to watch me suffer.

Wires & Decay: Remix!

Planing on making a single for the up coming Wires & Decay album, if you'd like to remix and possibly be put on the single the please download THIS FILE and email me the finished project.
wiresanddeacy@gmail.com
I'll give you full recognition, Name the remix how ever you want, do with it what you please. Have it done in a week (if possible).

Diary Of A RivitHead: Update

I haven't been doing much blogging lately because I've been doing a lot of work on my new Wires & Decay project I've made an Official blog, where you can find all the information and background, ReverbNation, LastFM, and the Wires & Decay Facebook I'm working on a new EP and and tons of promotional art. I also have an LP planned, and also another EP (both of which my friend William will be helping me on).

I'm still job searching and having little luck. One of my roommates will be moving soon so now the pressure is on even more so.


Wires And Decay Promotion Art: