Diary Of A RivitHead: Employment & Responsibility.

So I did about two years of schooling to become a welder. I did everything I could do to get as much information and skill as I possibly can (exception to getting certified, it would have taken too long). Its been about ten months since I've been out of school, and I've done so much job searching and every time I finally find a person interested in employing me they cut me off before I even get a chance to work with them. I just cant help but to laugh about it. It seems everything in my life tends to happen that way lately, relationships, employment, depression, it all just kind of seems to be going in a positive direction then something happens and I get shot down. "Your not what we're looking for" - after wasting 2 weeks of my time, making me think I was getting a job. "Hey, lets hang out" - using me to get personal things done because their too lazy to do it themselves. "I think I'm finally happy" - not, new heavier wave of depression sets in.

Now I don't even know if I could weld decently because... its been ten months and I haven't welded at all. Everyone seems to frustrate me in some way or use me in some way, I'm a shoulder for people to learn on during the feud of significant others (like always), I'm a muscle for heavy lifting, and I'm a source of food for those who are hungry. I start finding my peace and then it gets ripped away from me because my emotions (or lack there of) brings me a dark sodden sorrow and makes me want to fucking puke, I no longer have any form of medication because I can't seem to get a job or find work, DHHS says that my depression basically isn't enough to hold me back from working, I feel like a burden and a waste of space amongst my friends and family. I never have truly been in a situation where I ask my parents for money but lately I've been asking my dad for a few bucks every now and then and I feel horrible about it.

Suicide seems to be a thought on my mind, like always, but lately worse. I feel like the only way I could be happy is to leave, but I could never try killing myself simply because I couldn't do that to my friends and family. I mean, my nephew barely knows me and I could just imagine how he'd feel when he gets older and finds out his only uncle offed himself because he couldn't deal with the stress of day to day life.

I once had a close friend who told me I was one of the most depressed people she knows, she's this quiet little goth girl, because I lost a fucking bus card that belong to my father, and the only thing I could think of was that he would have to buy a new one and it was my fault (not to mention it was actually my whole wallet with my ID he had to buy for me too). I can't understand my I'm so fucked up. I can't put it on my child hood, that would a stupid excuse, I always had a roof over my head, a loving family and food in my stomach. I just wounder where the fuck did I go wrong. I don't remember my childhood clearly but for some reason when I turned 12 I just wanted to off myself.

I don't care about money, the only reason I even want a job is to pay back everyone for everything. Money I borrowed, concerts people have paid for or taken me too, things I've broken because I'm clumsy as fuck, cigarettes I was given, other peoples stuff that I've lost. I want to be able to make everyone I know happy and see me as less of a ball and chain and more of a predictive unit.

I'm so tired of doing some at the height of my ability and it coming out looking like shit or no one notices. I cant play any instrument so I make some kind of shitty under produced electronic music, that I give away for free because no one will buy it. I try to appeal to the nature of other people and fail because I can't really speak to other people without my shyness coming off as being a dick, or my style of clothing is somewhat offensive to the prunes of this world. I feel trapped. I feel like I don't belong to this society, or this general population. My body is disgusting, I'm not fat but I'm sure as hell not attractive or fit to any standard. I'm not what what people would call "sane", I wouldn't call myself insane or crazy because I've never been tested, and without proof I wont trust anything (thank you to all the people who've ever broken my trust, I now know there must be evidence).

And now when I get sad I laugh. When I get mad, I laugh. My life seems like some big fucking joke that goes on for ever. I find every thing repeating itself, everyone falling back into a black hole they came out of. New faces, same people. I can practically predict every ones next move, every now and then I get a little surprise, but its nothing too big. I just want to go way, but I keep in the same place, I can never escape.