The Diary Of A RivitHead: Confusion..

My Bestfried hates me now.
we where talking then all of a sudden she was saying how her life is going in a possitive diriection and shes finaly geting it to gether and that my life is shit.

Then she deleted me from her facebook. To make it worse.. her husband did too.

Should I feel sad?

I've know her for what.. 5 years.

I haven't even really thought about the situation until now. I'm not mad at her, I'm not sad or depressed about the situation. Have I actually managed to numb myself enough to the point of not caring that I lost my bestfriend because of some stupid little argument?

We where the type of friends who hung out so often that it seemed like we where always around eachother. We'd be by ourselfs and remember the other person being there. We had our emotional times and our.. unemotional times, but always cared for one anothers opinion or welbeing. We'd spend days on end insaulting eachother and never caring what anyone thought about us. We even made music together, and started a cheesy little gang because thats what best friends do.

Now I've lost one of the only people I ever express myself to and its like I dont even care. It doesnt seem right, it doesnt seem like I should feel this way but I do.

I just laugh. alone. lol.

The Diary Of A Rivithead: Whore

I decided to become a whore and start postin up banners and links to industrial artist. Some will be well known some might even be making stuff out of thier parents garage. Either way it will all still be great music, so please.. support the industrial music scene and check out these bands.

AbsynthBacklash: They kinda sound like if TKK, Pig, and NIN had a baby.
vf:

Myspace:

Website:

Psyclon Nine: If you like screaming, harsh beats, glitched rythems, and heavy bass, all wrapped up in an electronic nightmairish sound then you'd love these guys.
Vf:

Myspace:

Metropolis:


00tz 00tz: Electronic, synthinsized, mayham :D simply an industrial "cybertech" amazing band.
Vf:
Reverb:

The Diary Of A RivitHead: Breathing

Its such a strange thing thing to think about. Everything living in some way or another beathes. Sometimes I find myself reminding me to do so. I notice I wont be taking in oxygen, and it would become diffcult for me to swallow it. Not like asthma or anything, more like my body just forgets, and it becomes hard for it to proscess the air, so I have to keep reminding myself. I always find it funny when I remind myself to breathe because then I question how long its been since I haven't taken in a breath. Sometimes I even start gasping for air at random. I've also noticed that my paulse sometimes is very difficult to find. I've had trained medical proffetions even comment on it to me. Once they find it, its very strong, but just like air in my body it seems to dissapear as it pleases.

Another thing that comes and goes is my vocabulary, at times I could be saying words that I dont understand yet makes complete sence in the content I aply it tward, other times I could only come up with dull, ancreative and boring boring words. I wish this never came a left as it wishes. Theres been so many times where I needed to say or use words which required those skills and they just.. weren't there. Of course if I could keep my vocabulary at my peek of speach, all the time, I'd be producing hundreds of poems a day, or even finally complete a book (sadly I can never really get passed the first or secound chapter without getting bored or off track with the storyline).

There are so many things that bother me. Large groups of people (outside of shows), New car smell (makes me nausios), My spelling, Me, Increadibly hot weather, Sun (very rarely I enjoy it), Argument (besides playful ones), Sympithetic/serious conversation (I can get sympathetic or sirious at times but for the most part I hate heart to hearts), Romance (I just find it descusting these days), Children (most of them; germ infested deseas prone, gross, nasty, waste of lives), Marylin Manson (I fucking hate, even though I have a friend who loves him), Bugs/insects (thier just gross and they make me itch when I think about them), Sluty girls that dont put out (come on..[kidding with this one]), Missing a daily shower (I miss taking 3 a day), Un-semetrical things, overly organized thing, unorganized things, waking up, sleeping, eating (as much as I love food I hate risking gettin fat), getiting dirty, Having to run or walk for long distances in steel-toed boots, large breasted women, things/people taller then me (makes me insecure, sometimes its nice though), being away from a city for too long (kinda getting use to it, but it turns me into an alcoholic computer whore), paper (sometimes), an artist named gunther (something like that), getting shy around pretty girls (fucking hate it), when I start feeling like a goth, the misconseption of goth-emo-punk-rivithed, when good bands break up before producing multiple albums (chamber 502[sadface]), when bands get a new singer-changes their music style-but keeps thier name (ALICE IN CHAINS!!!), Nine Inch Nails not touring (I never got to see them live), when people try producing or talking about drama while I'm drunk, friends getting mad at me, family asking me to do something and I lie because its something stupid and I need time to do my stuff, Big burritos from gas stations (so tasty, yet horrible ending), interscope/island records (idk why I just dont like them), stupid poeple who don't understand music culture and only listen to what shity stuff they play on the radio, getting sticky (...i hate it), trying to play an insterment infront of poeple who I could never be half as skilled as, trying to type something when I'm tried and fucking up 4 times in a row even though I'm typing slow, trying to talk to people I dont know, whyen poeple I dont know comes to talk to me and I cant think of anything to say bhut wanting to be social, hornyness, phantoms, poor people who are fat (if they stop eating so much, they'd lose weight and save money), when people say I'm skinny (fuck that, I'm 247lbs, I got a gut, I'm far from skinny), lack of perfection, poeple who think thier pretty even thought they are ugly as fuck, internet lag, ugh tons of other stuff too, but I haven't slept since 9 o'clock am yesterday and its 8 am now so I should go to sleep and turn off Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble Of Shadows (thier keeping me up for some reason). Goodnight world, hope you post apocolyptic morning is wounderful.

Poem8[part 2]

[p.1] Madness pt.2~

So I awake. Hole in my shirt still sizzling, clove on my skin still burning, its pain not even an issue. Becuase inside I feel discusted. Descusted with anger,descusted with rage. I am descusted with me!
My body aches. My head, it aches. And my stomache seems twisted. I run to the nearest toilet and cannoy make it so I puke in a shower. With little to nothing in my stomache, all that comes up is a river of stomache acid, burning its way up my throught and ouy my nose and mouth.
Only one thought in my head, the same thought that always remains. I am a failure.
I cant finish myself, I cant finish anything. I am useless, a waste, scum, nothing.
I've bleed for nothing. I've cried for nothing. And I will always be not...

Poem8[p1]

Madness pt.1~

With a couple handfuls of this, and a few more tabs of that I know it will kill the pain. It has to. It leaves some kind of tingle throughout my body, making a smile smear across my face. At least I don’t have to fake this happyness. It’s only a temporary madness.
To ease myself with a sweet, sweet clove, burning my lungs, how it sparks from the drag, releasing its stream of toxins into the world. And form my lips forms a cloud. And I watch the clouds form on to my bedroom ceiling. Quickly the clouds turn into the sea, drowning me in a dream like suicide.
I try not to panic, I can no longer mover, complete numbness. How I've waited for my day. And now the day has arrived. I've waited so long to be this happy, for this is my end! So I say to my friends do not cry for me. And I say to my family, do not shed a tear, I am finally happy. In a cruel world I find a way to be free.
And then the happiness skewers away. Realizing this was a mistake. Realizing that I'll soon awake.
And everything will be the same. I still feel the pain. I still remain in shame.
I am a failure.[p.2]

Poem7

Of What I Have Created~

You hate me, I hate you? A mutual murder of reluctant chaos over a primitive promise. Where are we? What are we? Enemies? Why? The pointless thought of a sarcastic jester for revenge. tore us deeply and shamefully apart. My words just as crewel as yours. Seeing in a different view, taken upon of what little we can remember of this miserable friendship. Lets try and sew together our wounds and become of what we once where. Although I know the journey may be hard, but take my hand, take my shoulder, take my forgiveness. I ask now to help me fix the wrong of what we have created. Help me bind together every thing we once stood for. My old friend, I know you hate me. The distrust I faced upon reveling that all of it was a hoax, I lost my sanity. My old friend, The feelings I felt of wrong intentions drove us on to a thin layer of ice. I smashed my foot through, I let us drown from my jealousy. Let it be know, my emotions are no longer clear. I take this risk. I hope for renewal. I hold out my hand, waiting for your grip. My old friend, take it.

Poem6

Fear Of Love~

My Dearest, My Darling,
My heart wishes to speak,
Love, I fear as lonely,
For its you I wish to keep,
The love I have is secret,
To you I am only a ghost,
The unseen messenger,
Your invissible hoast,
I wish to speak out,
Yet, I find my self in constant doubt,
To shy to ask for your hand,
To shy to ask for a dance,
I long for your attention,
I dream for only a kiss,
To touch your lips,
And hope you know I exist,
My Dearest, My Darling,
I feel trapt in a book of poetry,
I wright love words on shy pages,
And Hope pne day you will hear me,
~*extended ending*~
My Dearest, My Darling,
My one true love,
I hope one day you will hear me,
and we'll speak of love.

Poem5

Limerence Theory~

Rest now my pretty,
You have nothing to fear,
For I have scared wasy the creatures,
Who try to ruin your precious heart,
Your tears, I'm hear to catch,
And your joy, I hope to bring,
Rest now my darling,
I know you feel failure,
But you have to hold on,
Your my world,
In my arms,
As you take your last breath,
In my heart,
You'll forever rest,
My dearest Beauty,
In my thoughts you'll never leave,
Rest now,
My love.

Poem4

Verdict~

They all look at me, with their judgmental eyes, waiting for my verdict, she was only 15, and it was beautiful, so I come to the stand, and open my mouth, I began to smile, should I give them what they want? Should I tell them I killed her? Or should I go beyond all that and mention the others? Ha, this is all too simple. They begin their questioning and before they finish I start to speak.. I did it! I killed the little whores! And I enjoyed every moment of it! The room is filled with words, so scrambled they didnt make sense so I screamed for them to silence. The room grew quiet. I felt it necessary to tell them how I did it, how I killed her. Especially since her parents where their, waiting for clarity. I began to tell them how we met, in the supermarket, right next to the chips and candy, she was wearing a beautiful blue summer dress, and she asked to see me again, so I waited for her out side of her school, you see she wasnt very good in school so she had to go to summer school and make up her grades. I took her home and we fucked over and over, I fucked her hard, I fucked her soft, she screamed and she loved all of it.. The judge yells order, and I ignore it, I drove her home that night, and she called me not much later. She wanted to see me again, it would be her last day of school. and again we fucked, we fucked to the point of skin being ripped, the judge yells more but I continue.. we fucked so hard she started bleeding, and something about the blood set me off so I hit, and I hit her, and I hit her so hard she stopped speaking. Laying there unconscious, in her blue summer dress, bleeding, she was so beautiful. Some men start restraining me. I loved her, I scream, shes inside me. Forever and always! You people will never find the others because the still.. A sharp pain to my neck, and I fall asleep in the white room again. And my storys left unfinished.

Peom3

Systems: Love Rant

Love..
The word is a lie to me. All the greatest liers can acomplish it. Everyone who makes me truely believe of its exsistance all lied to me. I cant love. No longer would I fill my head with such silly little mind games. I need no one. I could find someone to trick me, all the best tricksters have all ready done their damage. Forever I will always know, I am broken. LoL, I've wasted so many years surching for something that I can never have, or never keep. Its all just a bunch of games. I should have focused more in school then on some fake happieness. Pittiful. Just fucking pittiful. So lie to me. It could make me feel better. Lie to me. Make me feel important. Or just leave me alone. Fucking leave me alone. I'm better off that way. My lifes meaning is to never be happy and only be the muse of some others unfortunate life, to guide them, make them smile. Ha, I can even remember the last time I was able to smile without a psychotic dillution or mind altering substance. Hate, thats the only thing real.

Poem2

Such a sad tail-

Today I whispererd,
Into the ears of an older man,
Told him my story,
And he started to laugh,
Such a sad tail,
That no one understands..
So I leave my heart blank,
In hope that I'll forget my life,
In time, In time we all forget,
Years pass by,
on and on..
I meet a young man,
In my ear he whispers my story,
So I had to laugh,
It was the same one I told years ago,
Such a sad tail.

The Diary Of A RivitHead: Slick Idiot

I'd like to first anouce the reason I came to this show. I was looking through The Strange (a Seattle based newspaper) and I came accross a section mentioning the show. I never heard of Slick Idiot before I read this, but when I read the paper I was in complete awe. I had to see the show. So I told my friends (whom I would usually see a show with) and they where just as estatic to hear that En was up to something new.


The First band of the evening was Vorlik. Now vorlik is a farly new new band, they've only been out for a few years now and their session seemed to start off alittle rocky (like most at=rtist who play the first set). They later got really into the show and be came an amazing preformance. I can see this band becoming really big and they have a bright future ahaead of them.



PILLBRIGADE!!! Just like the last time I watched them on stage, they where completely mindblowing. I looked to my friend and he just seemed to be in shock. I told him that this band would make him fall in love, and they did even better then that. Infact it seems like they get better every show.



The next band up was a band I personally hated and had no idea why they where even on the scedual, Roschack Test. Fortunetly they didn't show up so Pill Brigade took their spot. R.T. was problly off "touching babies" or something (inside joke from the show). Pill Brigade carried on and toughed everyones hearts.. again.




Slick Idiot and Mona Mar where the final set. They played together and Mona would come in ever 3rd song to play a few of her own. I really enjoyed the way they put their show to gether. Mona scared me, and at the same time made me wanna fuck her. Slick Idiot was aggressive and in-your-face the whole show. There was even a point of time where Slick Idiot played one or two KMFDM songs and the vocalist sang along with En Esch for a few songs as well.


The show was amazing. Even now I'm wanting more.